A rant as if my rant actually mattered (with some slight big boy language)

This blog post was inspired by a blog post written by my amazing sister.  Who keeps up the most amazing, genuine, and truthful blog.  http://erinsheffield.blogspot.com/2011/09/message-in-bottle.html

The concept and emergence of blogging and social media is a topic that I have always found somewhat interesting.  I've never considered myself a part of the blogging world, I've only really done it to keep up with family members and friends a far.  Blogging isn't really something I consider a big part of my day to day life, but you stumble upon any random blog and you don't have to go far to see the stereotypical projected image of perfection.  The everyday crafty mormon mommy, the self proclaimed artistic fashion connoisseur, the amateur professional photographer, and the narcissistic opinion writer.  All self marketed conceptions of how the blogger wants people to perceive themselves floating around on the interwebs for all to see.   It baffles me when I see a blogger with hundreds of followers... all eager to hear about how such and such went to this coffeehouse today, bought this dress, crafted this project, and used this hair product.  Hundreds and hundreds of people on a chain, waiting to live their life vicariously through this projected image of perfection, and a blogger at the end of it...seeking validation by providing this service to the hundreds and hundreds of people on their chain.  Its an interesting concept.  A world where everyone everywhere can be heard and admired.


But it is all kind of sad and shallow.  A sick sad little world and I'd like to think it was something that I was above... but I'm not.  I may not be a top notch avid blogger, but I do have a Facebook page.  I have the self marketed embodiment of how I want my entire entity to be perceived all conveniently reduced to a sad single page for all of my "friends" to see.  446 friends to be exact... but these people aren't my friends.  They aren't even my associates.  I probably only have 9-10 good friends, and 20 people I associate with socially.  Add another 20 people I associate with for work, and 20 members of my close and extended family.  10+20+20+20=446.

Its hard not to feel like a tool at times.  Here is my page... here is the one picture I set as a "profile picture" that I think is the best picture that embodies how I want to be perceived.  If you search my other pictures you will see some pictures of me in exotic places, as I want to give the perception that I am a diverse interesting human being who has traveled the world.  Here is a picture of me playing guitar, that'll look good for the ladies.  Here are pictures of me partying and having a good time with my friends....I should probably untag myself in the pictures of me during the summer I added a few extra pounds after an emotional breakup with a longtime girlfriend.  Here are some videos from youtube of bands that I think are great, but you probably won't like them... you probably won't even play them... but for some reason I feel they are good representations of what kind of person I am and what my personality is, why else would I post them?  Here is my school and work information... I am studying to be an engineer... I am "smart"... I am doing things with my life... I will have money and be a suitable partner for the opposite gender.

Just look at all the young Mormon wives who flaunt their husbands like possessions and keep their bridal pictures as their profile picture even two years after they've been married, as if that was the pinnacle event their existence has had to offer... but I digress.

...I would delete it all, but people you know who delete their facebooks tend to be emotionally volatile or kind of neurotic generally right?  I don't want to give that "impression"... oh lord why do I even care about giving that impression?  Colton you used to have it so together, where did you go wrong?  You used to be about rock n roll and sticking it to the man... refusing to fit any mold... you read Thoreau's Walden and Emerson's essay on Self Reliance like its your Bible but you can't even delete your own Facebook page.

Truth is, life is hard.  Life sucks sometimes.  I work 30 hours a week at a part time job where I get paid peanuts for doing the same repetitive action day in and day out, 10 hours a week in my research lab where my superiors give me relatively unimportant projects just to keep me happy and where I have to pull in my own funding, and am taking 16 credit hours of demanding engineering coursework where 20% of my classmates are on prescription amphetamines and the professors are more concerned about their research and egos than your individual success or learning.  That's 56 hours a week without studying and homework factored in.  Damn that is crazy.

Truth is, I get depressed and discouraged at times.  Truth is my day to day activity looks relatively the same.  Truth is I may have traveled the world but all on Daddy's paycheck (who doesn't brag about his LEGITIMATE accomplishments and amazing feats on his facebook page). Truth is I get anxiety. Truth is I feel awkward talking to girls.  Truth is I party and socialize with my friends... where I hear the same shitty songs played over and over again so loud that you can't have any sort of meaningful conversation and reintroduce myself to the same intoxicated people over and over again.  "Maybe I should go up to my room and study or play guitar... no I don't want to be the 'recluse'"

Give me something that is real.   "Dear blogging world, today kind of sucked." Instead of "lalala today the world was all flowers and sweets.  I made these amazing cookies for my social gathering and they turned out so delicious.  I am the perfect mormon mommy, there is nothing challenging about parenting at all because my children are completely perfect."

Give me something that is real.  Damnit. Give me something past the marketed facade of your imaginary life.  "Dear blogging world, today I chambered a round and put a gun in my mouth to blow away my neuronal activity known as my mind, I could taste the metal and gun oil on my tongue, but chickened out because of the thought of the recoil breaking my teeth." ....That would be a blog I would want to read --actually not really because that would be way too depressing haha-- but imagine 200 followers a day, thinking "damn... I thought my life was hard... I suddenly feel better about myself" instead of "I wish my life was more like Mormon Mommy Bot 3000"

Of course, I am being facetious.

Truth is, life is hard.  I love it. I love my life. I would rather it be hard than live in a state of dull homeostasis.  The day I am sitting in equilibrium with my surroundings is going to be the day I die and am in the casket rotting. Growing up you have this misconception that someday in your life you will suddenly "know" everything.  After all your parents "know" everything. The lightbulb turns on and you will suddenly have it figured out, such as the notion you emerge from high school or college a developed fetus with no more things to learn and everything set in stone.  Or the notion that "I'm married... life will be easy now" or "I have a job, life will be easy now". Life will constantly try to antagonize you.  People will try to antagonize you.  I REVEL in this antagonistic force.  Bring it on.

Truth is, I work a whole lot and I am damn busy... but truth is, I am pulling it off just fine.  I like to think that I'm doing it better than you could do it.  Truth is, I get depressed or discouraged, but I get over it.  Truth is, I feel awkward around girls, but I still date and talk to some pretty fine ladies and get by just swell.  Truth is, my major can metaphorically be likened to consensual sodomy, but I am in the 70% percentile... which isn't too bad.  Truth is I can be frustrated with my research lab, but there are still some really cool things going on in there and things I wouldn't otherwise be learning.  Truth is, my friends listen to shitty music at parties but they are a smart and intelligent group and a great group of guys.  I wouldn't trade my coalition for anything else.

Truth is life is hard, but it is hard for everybody.

Life is what it is.  Take the ball and run with it.

As an after note, at times I wish we could go back to the 90's... preinternet days (along with fantastic music by the way).  It is an interesting thought that upcoming generations will not know what it is like without internet.  At times I feel frustrated with the idea of social media, but just as with life...I take the Ayn Rand approach and just acknowledge that it is what it is and its not going away.